11am !iam

11 am.
I've just arrived home from the gym.
Cold shower, as always.
I'm told it helps improve the immune system.
This i am not certain but Hoffman seems like a nice enough guy.
Still exhausted from my 40ish minutes of exercise. (That's amazing from a non athletic perspective)
Admittedly however, not a continuous 40 minutes.
Blood rapidly pumping through my circulatory system revealing undiscovered pulses in areas i don't care to explain.
It feels somewhat contradictory, overwhelming yet somehow pleasant as a natural and complementary high encompasses my body as i sit down to meditate.
A thought swiftly finds its way in.

 "I may not be developed greatly from a physical stance, but this right here is mine."

?       I detach, quickly going from possessor to observer.

I follow as this thought floats away finding a place to settle beyond peering eyes,
but awareness is to broad a space to escape from.
As it rests it notices my presence and i notice its uncanny resemblance to me.
I become conscious of the fact that this being is an expression of me, but only that, an expression, a thought. Nothing more or less, so i am to not identify and confuse it for who i am.
I can do nothing but observe.
To do anything else would risk becoming a temporal thought, soon to fade and take my new found identity along with it.
I'd rather not mourn over a loss today thank you!

He sit's attempting to go unnoticed. So i look closer. Why would he care?
Occasionally he return's his gaze out the corner of his eye,
a feeling of discomfort pervaded and silence was quickly broken.

"What do you want?"

I remain aware and hushed, reserving all judgments, allowing space for whatever is present to express itself.

"I have nothing to give you, go somewhere else."
........
He attempts to push me away, but i cannot be effect for i am just awareness, i have no form.
........
"Stop looking at me!"
.........
He begins to turn a devilish red filling with frustration and anger.
.......
"Seriously you are wasting your time, there's nothing to this."
........
He walks away only to find that there is nowhere to go, we are in an endless dark space and as-long as my attention is here, he cannot escape.
........
"I'm not hiding anything!"
.......
He begins to grow in height attempting to fill up the infinite space that he is in, and i am merely aware of.
......
"Ahh leave me alone! Stop trying to pry out information from me! Just because i make a comment which you assume is ego based doesn't mean that it's true."
......
He waves his arms around intending to hit something yet, nothing is around he can collide with.
.......
"You have no clue what's going on here! Your just a pretender, silently marking yourself as spiritually adept by sitting on a fricken pillow holding your eyes shut! Earth to Dylan your just a....."
...................
"Wait!"
......
He shrinks back down to his original size.(A normal human height.)
......
"I was the one who claimed to be good at..whatever this is? Why am i fighting myself?"
......
He finds himself in contemplation for a moment, knowing that he has been caught in a lie by no-one other than himself.
......
"*sigh* I am hiding, I mean. I'm not hiding, but i am hiding something."
......
"Behind me lies the feeling of lack, i have been placed here to shadow that from the light of truth,
the light of knowing, the light of awareness.
A long time ago this feeling was created, but you were unaware of the fact that you were the one who created it, and without that knowledge you spent a lot of your energy fighting it and ironically fueling it.
Eventually you could no longer take the pain of the endless conflict, and so, you created me.
A thought, an identity, an ego you know as Dylan.
Something big and obnoxious enough to cloud that which caused you suffering, a suffering that you refused to let anyone see or experience.
Yet the fear of allowing others to see you as vulnerable prevented you from opening up and seeing the truth of what you were doing,
creating more of what you don't want to be, lacking."

...........................................................................................................................

My awareness extended outward into the world around me.
I feel the rising of my stomach as i inflate my lungs, reaching a peak to once again return the air borrowed as i have done a million times before, except this time, a loving appreciation followed the exhale.
I hear the birds chirping to the earth as if singing songs of gratitude.
I feel the breeze enter in through my open doors reviving the space in which my body resides, giving life to what had just gone unnoticed.
I feel legs crossed underneath that same body, stabilizing the torso allowing a place to rest two shoulders.
And like a stem perching out the soil, lies the neck, upon that sits the head, sustaining the brain, bearing the mind, which cradles the chaotically magical and dumbfounding eternal realm of imagination.
A place so boundless in its creative expression that one can actually come to believe that they lack a single thing.

I see the reality which i am dealt, in contrast seeing the hallucination that is thinking.

:D